Who knew that being in a committed relationship is the same thing as forced celibacy? Did not sign up for this.
Turns out I'm like the Wayne Gretzky of hiding cum. Who knew?
I wish that guy wasn't missing teeth
You were so hammed, you asked your buddy in Economics to plot a demand curve for Parmesan Cheese.
Awww. A guy on the train just took his coat off so his girlfriend could throw up into it. Who says chivalry is dead?
Peach margaritas. And fuck whatever you're about to say, the girl to guy ratio is like 6:1. I need those odds
I'm stuck on the dance floor between two fat people. I don't think they feel my existence. Please help.
So much beer in the passenger seat the seatbelt light is blinking
Note to self: last nights makeup does NOT, under ANY circumstances, look good today.
I had to help some 40 year old women shoot down some 21 year old who called her his "milf fantasy"
It's gotten so bad I typed my will out on my phone in case it's over.
Fucking holidays. How do I have this many men who want to fuck me and none of them are available when I'm ready to blow my top?
Did you clean his pubes up off the table yet?
Thinking and hoping ice cream is the answer to my problems
Did you get good sleep?
I dreamt that I was a lipstick lesbian in the 1950s, working at Walgreens and solving mysteries.
So yes.
Randomize
