I woke up at 11 this morning in my car parked in front of the bar.
I know, I tried to wake you up, but I couldnt. So I walked home
I think you should know he took my pants (buttons and zippers included) and my thong off with his mouth alone. I found my husband
It's almost summer. We need to start reconnecting with our home drug dealers.
A picture just appeared on facebook. I am puking in the toilet, you are next to me puking in the sink. I think we have our christmas card.
Apparently someone switched my cash for monopoly money after midnight so I couldn't get any more drinks at the bar
Also, not pregnant! Way to go uterus! Good job on being a team player!
Oh God! I'm naked from the waist down playing records. Too drunk. I don't even know what to do.
Balls out but with a shirt on. Eating ravioli. I don't know how to deal with this.
I borrowed a glass of wine. And the bottle. Your cat said it was ok
I accidentally walked in the wrong house but I somehow left with a chicken leg. Good fucking night.
hotboxing with the ex-bf's two most recent hookups. they just realized they're eskimo sisters with his best friend. this is what happens when I come home for Christmas.
I'm so incredibly high right now the fact I am texting is nothing short of miraculous. Call the Pope. Hell make me Saint Roy, patron of stoners.
Seriously dude...who threw up on Michelle? She's been crying for like an hour
i spent most of my hangover doing the math to figure out the last of the alcohol would be metabolized from my system.
thank you pre-med degree.
You cannot ask her to resend the picture of her genital tattoo to you just so you can show your room mate. it is time to end your relationship with the Captain.
My Boss was giving porn recommendations. I think I'm scarred for life.
Randomize
