my fingers and penis are no longer on speaking terms. My penis is too jealous of where my fingers get to go.
There's an amish chick decked out in amish clothes on a cell phone staring at me.
He played with my vagina like it was a turntable
he was so drunk he doesn't remember anything. I have to break up with him all over again
You came back with puke all over your sweatshirt and started doing darth vader impressions
That's a really weird place to spoon. Especially if there are more accessible places to spoon. Like a bathtub.
He's a navy seal. He can stick it anywhere he wants.
For future reference, never invite the people you met at Dunkin Donuts at 2am to your house to watch Dogma
Yeah you fell over while you were peeing and you said "hold I'm, I'm still peeing"
IF I CAN STICK YOUR DICK IN MY MOUTH, I CAN STICK MY GUM ON YOUR NIGHTSTAND.
2 reasons we need to wear those onesies to the bar more ofter 1) comfy as shit 2) we both still got laid\n\nHow can you resist that kinda night?
Ryan Reynolds is on sesame street right now. Dressed as a letter A but still sexy as fuck. PBS is so considerate of the stay at home mom.
Holy shit, just saw a girl in the library smoking a bong disguised as a calculator
Yes please. My parents would fucking love him and I'd love fucking him. That's a win-win if I've ever seen one.
Get your dick back in here. On Saturdays, you're not allowed to leave my bed unless it's to make me bacon or coffee.
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