help me. he won't leave me alone. he just licked my ear and he's so drunk. get him off me. we're in the closet. help.
he was so nervous about his first time.. it was like michael j. fox trying to put on a condom...
My natural self cock block skills kicked in last night. I could've got on like 2 chicks but i ended up throwing up all over my van instead.
I'm ready for this little girl to leave so I can hit the bong already
So I have some interesting news. The pizza guy called the cops on me...
I can't tell if your life is amazing or needs reevaluation when "did I get hit with a nightstick" is a legitimate question.
woke up this morning in the hall outside of my parents room with a sign taped to myself that said "im sorry"...
It's not my fault. Someone keeps buying me tequila shots. Idk who. But every time I look down there's another. I think there's a conspiracy.
You're going to have to buy me a lot of drinks before the bee suit goes on...
I gained confidence after I found out she was a lesbian. At least that way I could flirt with her and convince her to buy me taco bell after the bar
We're gonna take a moment of silence to pray... that his penis is as pretty and as talented as his brothers.
He answered his phone while he was eating me out and proceeded to yell at his wife for interrupting lunch...impressed or rock bottom?
Dude you of all people would miss her giving him a handjob in front of the whole party
I finished OITNB and broke it off with my fuck buddy in the same day. It's going to be a rough week
I have wine with a bendy straw bitches I can do fucking anything
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