I just had to have my mom look at my penis to figure out what it was. How do you think my day is going?
oh vodka. i could write you a sonnet.
i just unintentionally masturbated to my own facebook picture
We really have to stop convincing people tazing is the cool thing to do.
I already ran out of vodka but I have more beer. I just ran naked into the high school party down the street as took all theirs. ...figured no one wants to tackle the naked guy..
She called us while she was having sex to ask if we remembered to feed the cat
I dont understand how her boyfriend puts up with her weirdness
Let's get drunk and go to Walmart and just tackle people at random.
You just accidentally called me. You kept saying "Really?! Really?!!" So I can only assume you are having sub par sex
I swear if you help me with this I will eat you out and buy you all the Taco Bell you want.
I'm just now realizing I've slept with guys from three different decades over the past year. That's gotta be some sort of record.
Dude what happened last night?
I don't know, I'm still trying to figure out how I got my clothes back on.
Just found a handle of Tito's in my TV stand
Can't recall when I put that there, but let's goooo
was having sex but got distracted... he instragramed a pic of his crotch
Gov of Georgia is going to allow massage therapists to return to work.
Gives a new meaning to 'Happy Endings'.
Somehow, walking in on your drunk mom in a diaper was the least traumatic thing I saw last night
Randomize
