If I see one more commercial for The Secret Life of the American Teenager, I'm going to punch the next teenage girl I see in the uterus and scream, "Wear a condom!"
Just did a shot to pluto being a planet again. I love science.
They thought "watering it down" meant adding more vodka
I don't know what you told him but please make him stop telling me about his new video camera and winking
Ill trade u your bra for a run to the liquor store...
New bet. First person to fuck their girlfriend and narrate the whole thing in Morgan freemans voice wins. You are disqualified if she asks you about. My girlfriend is on her rag. U have the headstart. Your move...
at one point he couldn't find his underwear so he put on my catsuit to go to the bathroom
hey give me heads up if you're feeling vulnerable tomorrow night
If he tries to stick his thumb up my butt again im going to rip his dick off with my vagina
I told you those kegels would come in handy one day
I learned so much about myself in that shower.
I found my soulmate. Behold my idiot as we spaz into the sunset.
While I appreciate the pity sex (seriously, THANK YOU) we should not do it 3feet away from my ex when he's passed out next time. Awkward.
Apparently my thong was thrown in the cornfield last night. No one will tell me why.
YOU HAVE PISSED AND FUCKED ON LITERALLY EVERYTHING IN MY HOUSE
Not everything, just a few things. And only a few times. The odds are really not all that bad when you break it down.
you’ve pissed every time you slept over. there’s no such thing as odds anymore. it’s guaranteed
dave might be using McDoubles to pay for dances
he has gotten at least 7 lap dances out back
Randomize
