I am dying of drunk and no thats not a typo.
god damn woman. you are like the herpes of drunk texting. you never go away.
what date should I let him know how fucked up I am?
This is getting ridiculous. See/touch her boobs=good day. Not see/not touch her boobs=bad day. I am legitimately depressed over the lack of tits in my hands right now.
I feel like I'm full of double a batteries and cocaine.
Bonus points if someone shits their pants. Only 1/2 bonus points if it's you
Bonus points are bonus points regardless
Well if you're drunk enough to make some mistakes this week I'd be down to redeem myself for my poor performance.
It summer and it's getting a lot harder to hide sex bruises from my parents.
First world problems?
There is is 40 year old penis staring me in the face right now if there was ever a time to be a good friend its right now.
Dear lord though. So much glitter. It's just a big gay explosion and all of my whore muscles hurt.
No he's great. He's trying to do "sexy stuff" for me now, which is pretty hilarious. He stirred my daiquiri with his penis last night. He also tied a bouquet of flowers around it.
so it turns out the huge bruises on my knees are from drunk bmxing and not getting railed from behind on the ground
and ill have you know that I only wiped out twice
My soul is telling me that I need to take this exam naked.
He yelled "I'm Bruce Springsteen!" when he came. This is why I don't sleep with guys from Jersey.
People don't believe me when I say the bruises are from work. They just smile and say "right." Trust me, I WISH my sex life was that exciting.
Randomize
