My girlfriend figured out who you are.
i think i may have caused an international incident at the french embassy, just fyi
hahaha how?
its a long story involving a horse trailer and some shrubbery
im 80% sure the guy across from me is taking pictures of my legs
people would bow to what i just did to her vagina
Her tattoo has the intellectual profundity of snakes on a plane except you can't laugh.
but then i turned into a human whiteboard because i thought it was a good idea to bring out markers
Also, I'd like to add that that I'm not quitting my job, my boss fed me shots at 11 am this morning.
But seriously he was like a god with his hands. My vagina feels annointed.
Me either. I want to get 'chase a stray cat through the neighborhood in my hooker heels' drunk. And it's your birthday, so you have to get 'best friend holding your hair while you puke in the bar bathroom and cry about your life' drunk. In a feather boa.
Please be advised that because of last year's "incident" we will no be starting St. Pat's day with spicy breakfast burritos and car bombs. Please plan accordingly.
We're already drunk. 4 hours to go still. And there's a bear advisory. TOP WEEKEND.
Yeah then you killed that bottle of Bacardi in under 20 minutes. So much for being an organ donor.
I'm terrified that I'm going to have a baby with a guy who posts snapchat stories while ignoring my texts
Every FB picture she has looks like it's from the POV of the guy she's blowing
My mom has tinder, she is 45 and has her age setting at 18-29. And she still gets more matches than me
Randomize
