I woke up this morning next to some guy. I was horrified, he woke up and said, "the white tiger strikes again!"
Just fucked a hooker at a motel in New Jersey. Two states down, 48 to go.
We made a drinking game out of poaching eggs. When did our life turn into a really awesome version of Top Chef?
Is "blowjob enthusiast" a bad costume?
dream priorities were more important than voting today. don't tell me you wouldn't keep going back to sleep to find out who would win a fight between oprah and godzilla
it's been a while because I don't count the hooker
My god. We'll be gay porn millionaires.
I don't know what it is about vodka that make me ruin relationships.
The liquor store was handing out free shots of some new expensive vodka, but they caught on the fourth time we came back in different outfits. Politics.
No, he went to go get condoms. The least I could do was chug two beers before he got back
its the kind of night you break several limbs and say you were lucky
Next Halloween I want us to dress up as jockeys, get drunk, and ride a carousel all night until we throw up or declare a winner
so i EARNED it!?! i EARNED dying alone with cats!!?
The cop said he like my hair today. Please explain all other interactions with law enforcement, k thanks
the woman that waxes my lady parts just hugged me...
were you wearing pants?
no.
Randomize
