I wish I had a dollar for every time I've slept off a late night I dont want to remember in my recliner.
that's why i date skinny girls, they don't realize how small it is.
I'm like 99% sure I made out with Kevin Spacey last night. Not good.
Are you still at the party or did I leave?
it's like russian roulette but with a penis
apparently he thought telling me 'the weasel wants to come out to play' would somehow convince me to go down on him
I got concerned once i realized you weren't there to hear us having sex. See I do worry about you.
Its only fair we share our golden vaginas with the world. It would be selfish if we didn't.
almost getting arrested is turning into fucking this cop in his ex wife's lawn. see you tomorrow
The drugstore has summer clearance. I bought you a little mermaid bucket. Now your hangovers will feel more like childhood adventures.
i think i need to institute a "if your dick has been in my mouth this year i get a xmas present" policy
You know it was a good night when you're lying on the couch in your pjs at 4pm having a pitcher of ice water for breakfast.
Well, if worst comes to worst, I have pictures of his penis that I can put on the internet
just got a call from a life insurance sellsperson and apparently our xany dealer referenced us. not cool thats breaking the 4th wall
I know you just got bad medical news... But want some moonshine?
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