meet me in the bathroom in 10 mins.
wait what? who are you hooking up with in the bathroom?!
aww shit wrong text.
i broke my thumb. i no longer have 2 opposable thumbs. i'm sub-human. i love vicodin.
glad you had fun, i did too. am rubbing aloe on my butt now.
I told him it tasted like his mom..needless to say we were asked to leave.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
i have essays due online every friday...im just going to write 'im hungover' for every one
her facebook's as public as her vagina
As soon as he lost the election, the reception's open bar became a cash bar. I have never been so disappointed in my countrymen.
Were you really trying to feed me potato chips while I was sitting on the toilet?
Like. There is beer on the other side of that door and 6 yards in. If he's not back in 20 minutes to let me in, I am using this tree as a battering ram.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
czant get you from the arport. sry i found the rum. dan sucks at rumpong jusrt so yo knoqw.
Oh god our sink is a cavalcade of horrors. Brb sacrificing a goat and putting everything in the dishwasher forever
If it involves mee putting on a bra and discontinuing my 11 am drinking my answer is a polite fuck YOU
Bro that's the last time I try to stick my penis in a bowl of jello. I can't believe your sister ate that, did she not see my dick mold
I'm going to have to go for it. It's like Mt. Everest. It's large and unpredictable but I live for adventure and it's worth never coming back from. Mt. BigDick.
I could tell my life story through kermit memes
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