I was just standing there and then BOOM! She was attacking my face with her mouth.
I don't get it, man. She treated me like a sexual predator but treated you like a piece of meat.
Dude you have to stop using "I eat good pussy" as a pick up line
How can you turn a kayak date down? I'M TALKING RIVER HEAD HERE.
honestly, i just want you to have sex with him too so that you can fully understand my appreciation of his dick as well.
I don't think he knows what shame means anymore. He gave some bar slut his sisters Tiffanys necklace, in exchange for anal.
Traded my phone for pizza, then got it back this morning....successful night
I don't remember because I was drunk out of my mind, but I have it on good authority that weed cinnamon buns at 3 in the morning with chocolate milk are better than sex.
IS SOBER OCTOBER A THING?? WTF WHO ARE THESE PEOPLE?
You know it's last call at a gay bar when the guys at the urinal are just jacking off in front of each other. Most awkward pissing moment of my life.
I just haymakered a dude with my face, can we talk about ME for a second and not the guy I fought?
He broke into my house because he missed me. Then ends the relationship because I'm the needy one. Ironic much?
I told him I just left the convent and really wanted a man. He fell for it. Sure beats telling him I'm a nympho stalker that followed him to the bar when I saw his beard.
Oh, btw, UPS might come by. Drunk me ordered us $75 worth of gummy airhead starburst type candies. Whatever it is, it'll be delicious.
I didn’t not spend thanksgiving morning making out with him in a diner parking lot
Is it wrong that I have to schedule a family Sunday brunch around my mom's weekly banging of my stepdad. And why do I even know this??
Randomize
