I totally give up. Optimus Prime just fell from the top of the Great Pyramid into the hypostyle hall at Karnak.
It's a shame that I don't know his last name. Actually, it's an ever bigger shame that I don't know his first name
His housemate was playing a sad violin solo for me on my way out. God I hate musicians.
When you're opening a bottle of tequila with a golf club, it's probably time to stop drinking...
I gave you a 45 minute blowjob. You were inside me for 3 minutes. I'm going to need you to get your shit together.
Sitting in the library studying = googling how to get laid in the library.
He unbuckled his belt, tipped his hat at me, then told me to "saddle up"
this is like your 5th cowboy right? where do you keep finding these guys?!!
He's so drunk he thinks he's the ultimate warrior. Told cops he was from parts unknown. Never broke character
I can't! Its just like the night that I bathed you, I didn't tell anyone.
In case you're wondering what eggs stolen from an elementary school's chicken coop taste like, delicious. Delicious is what they taste like.
Jesus, you make out with one twin then sleep with the other and suddenly they don't want to play soccer with you... Men can be so sensitive...
WHY WONT HOT GETMAN MAKR PUPR WITH ME!!!!???!?!!
I just fucked her in the corner of an ally while holding a large pizza waiting on a pledge for a ride.
bought a large fruitopia from McDonalds at 7:45 this morning. Spilled it on the ground. Cried. THAT hungover.
All you have to drink is moonshine and ranch. This is bullshit.
Magyver!
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