Yea I just took my 1st pregnancy test. Turns out I am just fat. Also I haven't been with anyone in 3 months, which is clearly making me crazy.
Moved my bed either I'm a whore or every guy I have ever slept with hid condom wrappers under my bed
Things I've learned: after you move in with a girl it's much less satisfying to wipe your dick on her sheets after sex because now they're your sheets too
Saying you want a bj does not count as saying you wanna see me btw.
some gay kid said he wanted to blow him because "his eyebrows told a story"
So my birthday was awesome. Only remember 45 min of it but I woke up with a girl on the couch and a half bowl of ground beef
Just so were clear I meant the head your face is on
Just tell your mom you have to go somewhere half naked with a strange man. She'll understand
You asked the waitress what the corking fee would be on the Joose you smuggled into the restaurant.
Watching elf, eating a tub of ice cream, and coming to terms with the fact that I haven't had sex in 5 months. Happy fucking holidays.
Novelty of the week: Getting my lipstick back in an evidence bag
Totally on the hot mess express last night. Mom said I was passed out on her kitchen floor. Told her I was drinking genuine tea.
you were so high you asked for half double stack and half crispy chicken sandwich "welded together" in the wendy's drive through
The guy next to me on the bus has one hole in his jeans that has over 20 mini dicks drawn on his leg. Classic.
I'm totes in the mood to go home and like blindly inhale dangerous amounts of porn
Randomize
