I fell asleep next to my cousin and woke up with my hand in her pants because i though it was lisa
No its cool I don't even have to do anything he is rapping to one of the strippers. He is punishing himself enough.
I joined a mariachi band. they gave me a guitar because i told them i could play. It actually turned out ok
They kicked me out of the mariachi band. Turns out I'm not that good
Just saw a crackhead get taken down by pd in the canal. Its offically spring
so I'm coping with getting the "I'm not over my ex" bomb dropped on me by getting drunk and yelling at people while wearing a purple princess hat
Lmao. We just snorted some mystery powder uriah found packged up in my car, that i know has been in there almost a year... Its adventure time.
She wasnt impressed wen i brought a guy for her back with me, a 3am impromptu sperm donor is not a gd birthday present. Im a bad gf.
Wtf man. I knew she was bad news. No sane person cares if you eat their raviolli.
That birthday blow job you ordered came in the mail today. I suggest you hurry home.
If you're mature enough to fuck him you're mature enough to tell him you don't want a relationship come on
Yeah, nothing like barfing into a grocery bag you just put dog shit into.
Yeah. I woke up in an awkward three way spoon with him and his sister. Tequila!
It's not Christmas until you get a photo from an ex wearing a Santa hat and red boxers... And then you just respond with, "nope."
The guy I blew who bought us all the shots last night? I really think he's the TV guy I'm watching give the local weather. Like right now.
Try to fuck my roomie AND steal my slippers: you are no longer my favorite cousin.
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