Sometimes, when I'm driving alone I talk to myself in a Russian accent so I think it's my mommy and it calms me down.
Please tell me how you drunkenly remembered your social security number when we were checking you into the ER.
then my gynecologist said "its like opening up buried treasure"
Did you rob me and blame it on the strippers?
i probably shouldve stopped when i uncurled the curly straw in my cocktail because it was slowing me down
I've never been so embarrassed. It's like waking up as Fred Durst.
Februarys looking very promising in the vaginal department
I just wanna get hammered somewhere crazy. Meet some chicks. Bang them and then go scuba diving.
Why did this happen to me why did I have to meet him if I could go back in time I never would have grabbed his dick
There are five fire trucks here and needless to say my booty call left so come back home whenever you like
Does your Fitbit monitor your liver failure?
He hit me up on Grindr and called me "bro." I just have to assume that the sex is going to be bad.
we played his NES Classic. Turns out there is a warp zone to my vagina.
So this morning when I woke up. I found my refrigerator open and no more food. It was empty, I'm home alone for the week. Where in hell did that food go?
Nobody on Tinder wants to give you a Blumpkin.
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