You never realize just how much you have to be thankful for until you almost shit yourself in a Target.
I just peed next to my dog in the yard. Unparalleled forms of bonding going on over here.
I feel if a girl leaves my house the next morning feeling degraded and in desparate need of a shower, then I have succeeded.
Please tell me your aunt didn't see the Brita pitcher full of condom wrappers. We had at least 100.
Im surprised putting the throwing knife "dartboard" next to the door didnt end up worse
The problem with never associating with your roommate is that you never know if they're dead in their room with the door closed or just gone for the weekend...I sprayed some febreeze just in case.
I think the multiple Sunday morning sirens outside my window are a plot by the cops to get back at me for the shit we pulled last night. Or I should move to a better area.
What goes on in that head of yours?
Gay sex, for the most part. Why?
the fat guy in me is very excited, and the skinny guy in me is very excited for the fat guy in me
You finished the fifth and then hid two dozen eggs around your apartment and declare that you would "quest for Jesus". Have fun questing today.
I caught a glimpse of his penis. I can only imagine what your mom's vagina goes through because of that penis
I sign my lease Thursday, I'm about to be released back into the wild.
I'll make missing person signs.
You're a good friend.
Dude in the stall next to me shitting and sobbing. Dude another stall over, "Come on bro, you gotta loosen up." This is why I don't shit in public.
I just found a piece of dried shredded carrot on my bed
Things change once you put a ring on it. 5 years ago if I had morning wood she would have gone nympho on that. Now I am just lucky if she touches it rolling when we sleep.
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