Don't be mad at me. I know peeing in your drawer is 1 thing and peeing on you while you're sleeping is another, but im sorry..i love you
I could have mohawked her pubes.
totally got the gold medal for the best fence jump when the cops came.
I am unfriending an ex-one night stand because his profile picture is of his wife's ultrasound.
I'm sorry but when I'm riding in the trunk on the way to mcdonalds at 6 am I just don't want to listen to reba macintire
So he thinks I sent him a picture of my boob last night, but it was really just a close up of my arm.
that was you who tried to jump in front of my car in the monkey suit wasnt it
I feel like hell. The amount of black beans I found in my hair tells me I hit rock bottom
If you can get laid in a rudolph onesie you are doing something right my friend.
I asked for a steak knife but the waitress could see in my eyes it was a bad idea
you were crying saying "if you love me you will find me a loaf of bread"
Only Tommy would bring a stripper pole to a bonfire
Nursing home in NJ just got busted for prostitution and drugs...dropping off my deposit tomorrow
I told my dad that he was in a band and he was all like " good job" and then he looked up the band and listened to their music and just went " oh have you disappointed me"
i thought this was a perfectly normal conversation between two adult men about why this children's cartoon is quality television but no you just gotta be talking shit again
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