the cop asked for your social security number and you gave her your high school locker combo
I'm watching the red sox through my neighbors window from my bathroom. We're winning btw.
I'm pretty sure they had a hash wedding cake. I love college weddings.
Tough to be a good wingman when you puke on yourself and everyone w/in a 5 ft radius at the FIRST bar we go to so don't tell me to step my game up
We're stoned and watching little Einstein videos. Come. Over. Now.
So I just went to 3 different stores because there is no way I can walk out of one store with this many reeses and still have my pride.
We are planning a drunk snapchat treasure hunt for tomorrow, and the treasure is his penis, this is a game I'm not willing to loose.
I love you, but it's "shark week" I'll make it up to you with naked breakfast.
I'm straight up riding in the back of my truck in a bean bag chair right now. Feet propped up and four loko in hand. Glorious.
My housemates are judging me because I'm high at 8am and making Spongebob shaped Mac and Cheese
They know nothing, John Stoned.
I'm pretty sure I asked his brother if he was gay while drunkenly falling to the ground.
What do you take me for? I'm not trying to lure you into bed with stories of my dead aunt.
what better to celebrate not being pregnant than to eat a bowl full of rum soaked pineapples?
Hahaha wearing a fake moustache in public was the best idea i ever had
The cure for a hangover evidently is not walking around in a costume in the sun towards of park of screaming children
Randomize
