He had a number 3 tattooed on his penis. And when I asked what it meant, he said " you know like dale earnhardt, the intimidator".
a cemetary is a place for people to rest in peace and you just spermed all over their land
some random kid just walked into our apartment with two cases... I don't know who he is but I like him
How sober do you have to be to donate blood?
He leaned out the window to puke right as the fan for the ac turned on. All of it blew back up into his face.
Pictures of drunk me in a bike helmet are like McDonald's collectible toys. There's sooo many, but NO ONE has seen all of them.
Omg, you would have loved the guy I almost hit with my car tonight
I promised him we could have sex if he would let me take him to the hospital to get stitches.
somehow attending a funeral viewing turned into me snorting cocaine in the bathroom and drawing ninja turtles for children
His name was Kyle but I insisted on calling him baby Jesus all night and then we did a line and he bought me Taco Bell so idk
I feel like I missed the land of milk and honey and instead wound up in the land of beer and pizza. And yet, I think I'm happier here.
MY GOD WHY DIDN'T I TAKE PHOTOS OF HIS CREDIT CARDS WHILE HE WAS SLEEPING
Okay, so is being determined to have my vagina licked by a woman on Valentine's day an acceptable goal?
Sometimes you wanna cuddle and sometimes you wanna get blown in the bathroom.
My sister and her gf showed up at my door with no pants on at 4 AM talking claiming its hot.
Randomize
