Seriously. You just grinded your ass all over the heisman trophy's dick. I want you to think about that.
Found your pants in the mailbox
What were my pants doing in the mailbox?
I don't know but there's postage on them
Your dad needs a mid life crisis affair thing, I could totally be that girl.
Although I wish I was out drinking, this cough syrup has me slightly more optimistic than usual.. I heavily debating trying to find mystical creatures and selling them to rich people as pets
Also, just had a student offer to sell me Xanax. Want some? Just for like a rainy day. Or our memorial day shitshow. Or just another Wednesday night.
i gave up on the vacation being fun the night i ate all the marshamallows out of the lucky charms while everyone else was having sex in the condo
I don't know, I kept pretending that I was riding an elephant during. It was actually really fun, but you can't tell him that!
Can you bring me a corn dog or something shaped like one?
I'm officially no longer allowed to make any of my own decisions regarding alcohol, men, or the combination of both. Thats up to you now. Do me proud.
I'm not sure. But he has a pet sugar glider. So, points either way
As long as that's not his name for his dick.
Trying not to ruin Mother's Day with the enormous hickey on my neck. Nice.
I wore his All-American medal during sex. I came in first that night.
So you think Jesus would be proud of me for walking of shame into my apartment 10 minutes before I told my parents I'd be over for Easter?
It was like Lady and the Tramp, but just tramp and the tramp. And instead of spaghetti and meatballs, we had whiskey and cups
I'm sorry I walked in on you guys, but all I heard from outside was her screaming "Dive, dive!". Sex was my last guess for what was going on in there.
Randomize
