it turns out vodka filled condoms arent that funny
and then she said I drew a line on her forehead with my cum and whispered "Simba"
And then he told me he had the vodka, but he was still in line at WIC for the juice.
the 24 hour champagne diet aint going so well
There is an old man sitting across from me. Phone rang and his ringtone is children giggling, I'm not safe here.
I was fucking the girl and her best friend walked in on us. She said we looked thirsty, got us a glass of water, and poured it down both of our throats. It was like... sex bottle service
Well that's another check off the sexual bucketlist of things I never wanted to experience.
That freshman kid successfully snuck into a college party, got caught, proceeded to jump out of a second story window without getting a scratch then met up with us a block away and somehow managed to get a bottle of grey goose in the meantime. He is truly blessed by the alcohol gods
By the end of the first quarter he was so hammered he was pouring beer into the crockpot with the miniature hot dogs and BBQ sauce saying he loved the supper bowl and he loves taking mini weinies to the face
He's getting me an energy drink and said good morning beautiful. He must sense i'm cutting him off from the sex.
I would of joined had I not blacked out last night and ran around naked breaking things till 4 am
Not a problem, sailor. I speak both autocorrect and typo.
Just went grocery shopping with a vibrator in my purse and didn't even realize it. This is what Saturdays are made for.
Remember how I have such good luck that it's almost bullshit?
I'm afraid to ask, but go on.
Just in case you forgot, you puked all over your boss house, pissed on his coffee table, and were then thrown out by his wife
Randomize
