The next morning she woke up and asked who I was and where she was.
I got oddly confused when she started talking in third person in bed.
Nothing like studying in the College of Communication to make you realize how smart you are.
My boobs grew. They knew we were going to vegas.
I've had more sex in the two weeks since we broke up than I ever had in any two weeks we were together.
She fuckin peed on me
Stay golden ponyboy
I went out as a member of the house of Gryfindor and came home as Snooki
Well for starters the people who just made my burger at the grab and go just told me to "hang in there"
I feel that it is my duty to the human race to invent a colon squeegy
We can't tell anyone we fucked because I'm still trying to get with your friend. Is she coming next weekend?
he literally referred to his penis as the alaskan bull worm from spongebob. when can we get married
The fact that you walked around talking like Barbie and still got laid amazes me.
He asked if I was going to squirt out my bday candles. I'm glad the perversion doesn't stop for special occasions.
i'll talk to you in three hours when you've stopped foaming at the mouth and your eyes have rolled back into place
My ex is stopping by while he’s working tonight after delivering a pizza to fuck me, then going back to work at Pizza Hut. This is what my life has become.
Randomize
