Pls don't use the words alligator, purple, and sperm in the same sentence ever again.
We need a plan...
Find random men. Use them as sexual objects. There's our plan.
There was a reason that "Throat Warrior 2011" was written on my martini glass. He said my title was undisputed.
I'm babysitting my fucking roommate he took out the screen and is trying to throw dishware in our fucking pool after he repelled off our balcony
Is it worth it to drive to a zoo with a high possibility of sex at said zoo?
We're walking, taxis are a waste of money that can be spent on alcohol.
This is going to ruin my future wedding planner career, but isn't it better the groom knows he's gay BEFORE he gets married?
Everyone loves nachos, first of all. Second, Ke$ha is entirely appropriate for the age grou too young to realize she probably has Hep C.
Last night I flashed a car full of people my tits for a bag of pretzels so yeah I'd say I was at least tipsy.
The hair on my legs is officially flapping in the breeze when I walk. I must say, being single does have perks and this is one of them.
I shaved an Xmas tree into my junk.... I placed your present underneath.
sorry for showing your butt to the bar
sorry for licking your cheek
A good example of deductive reasoning: Knowing that when my girlfriend texts me "I promise not to smoke all your weed!" that she is...at that VERY moment...Smoking All Of My Weed.
am drunk, naked, and blow drying cat. need adult supervision
just got back. in my inebriated state i broke an ugly lamp and was sent to the store (still drunk) to get a new one. just spent last half hour in isle 3 of dollar general surounded by more ugly lamps and trying not to throw up on each and every single one.
Randomize
