Does your gf have any friends she can hook me up with?
Better looking than her though please.
How do you say "I'm not pregnant in Spanish?"
Dude I need help. What word is complimentary, but sounds like "chunky"?
dude you guys. You can't throw up in the recycling bin. I don't think vomit is recyclable
You guys can't keep having sex with them and cleaning their house! They're never going to take you seriously!
She asked the woman in the drive through to cover everything she ordered in mayonnaise, including here chilli cheese fries. Didn't happen. Then she started swerving at the car next to us screaming, asking if they had mayonnaise.
I can't straight up say the only reason I smoked a couple bowls with you was for your three legged cat
Watermelon juice. Makes everything better. Gin. Wine. EVERYTHING.
Also I just sneezed literally 12 times in a row so violently...boogers everywhere. Sorry to ruin the sexting. I just felt like you had to know
Have a glass of wine with dinner they said. Your hydrocodone has worn off they said... NOPE
Nothing like snapchatring dick pics to a\nMarried woman while your girlfriend destroys Taco Bell in the next room. Almost caught, worth it. Got boobs back
I still think it's strange your mom saw me 93% naked with a Santa hat on and a raging boner. Tis the season right?
Nothing showshows the government the middle finger more than spending your tax refund on drugs
you're welcome to come here, except my beds from ikea so it's more unstable than i am
you said you were going to the bathroom. we found you an hour later laying in the backyard clutching a bottle of vodka while singing the beatles and crying
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