that thing about your dad's boner was meant to be a compliment
just accidentally masturbated with tiger balm. best. accident. ever.
I wish you got a notification every time someone masturbated to a Facebook picture of you...
Beer is about to convince me to do something really stupid.
are you just going to ignore any texts involving my penis from now on? because thats going to shut down a pretty sizeable portion of our conversations.
Fuuuuck. Forgot it's October. FYI scarecrows are gonna fuck you up when you're driving high
I went to a bar in my pajamas last night. I'll be there again tonight in a wolf costume.
Party Liz is going to have to have her wings clipped until someone gets me some baby reins to wear
I knew it would get worse when I said I think your roommate is watching and he looked over at him and said ... So?
Seriously I just dipped a banana in vodka I really need to stop drinking
The beer bottle was sticking out of your zipper and you shook it onto unsuspecting patrons
I just want somewhere where I can sit down, without changing my clothes, that will serve me breakfast food and booze. Is that too much to ask?
I can't believe my vagina just got wished happy new year
she's always on high-alert for lesbians
You can't hold me to anything I said last night; I was drunk on orgasms.
Randomize
