you know you've been in a long relationship when u start retiring sex toys
I have a drunk 6th sense to lyrics of songs i dont know. It only works when i dance..
In the library. Still drunk. Shoes missnig. Term paper due in fiften minutes. Iff I puke u think theyll throw me out?
It'll be just me and my penis against the world.
It's okay, I climbed on the roof of the bar to get my shoe back. This may become a Saturday tradition. I'll keep you updated
Just bought a McDouble with a tightly rolled dollar. The lady just gave me a sad face...
I have one of those hangovers where you visualize how awesome it would be to climb in your fridge and drink glacier water
I really wanted to pound but her roomate was making mac n cheese n shit so I was trying to time her moans to the drone of the microwave
I'm very aware of my heart moving the blood in my body.
Banging to Billy Joel pandora is like russian roulette. But I made him cum to Let It Be so I we both walked away victors
You have cats and a ten year IUD. Embrace it.
We decorated the tree, drank wine, and he went down on me with Christmas music on in the background. Christmas IS coming.
i woke up this morning wearing my pants as a scarf and my shirt as a daiper, my boyfriends contact name in my phone is "human sacrifice" and yours is "i like eggs"....can someone please tell me what happened last night
At a bar in the city and the whole place starting singing “Happy Birthday” to someone. Everyone but me. The person next to me leaned over and said, “Why didn’t you sing along?!?” I responded, “I don’t know him. I don’t give a shit if he has a happy birthday.”
He really is. Owns his own house and has more than one towel!
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