i told her that i loved her pillow breasts and then she asked me if i wanted to motor boat them. so yea, i do need the room tonite.
some guy just asked me if water gets in a vag when girls take a bath. WTF. it's not a wind tunnel!
So i wrote 'don't sex me' on my stomach, so that if we got to a point where my shirt is off - he would know how i really feel, not just the alcohol talking
how did that work out?
Well, all the water washed it off, so we ended up fucking since i didn't have my reminder...
at last call she tried to get the bartender to fill her flask. when he refused, i had to stop her from trying to pour the rest of her beer in there.
who said I'd never amount to anything...i just won 'most enthusiastic' at my poledancing class
Dude I woke up in her bed wearing a top hat and bunny slippers and noticed one of us had pissed in bed. The last thing I wanted to ask for was a ride home
if i got ashes i think they'd burn a hole into my head with the amount of sins i've committed this year alone and it's only february
Jacob lost his virginity in a threesome. I am deffs fucking this kid.
DURING A THUNDERSTORM ON HIS BIRTHDAY.
I just face planted on a condom wrapper in my bed...thought of you.
You're so romantic.
want to know what my life has come to? I just took a 45 min shower banging on the walls and making loud sex noises so my neighbors think I get some.
His balls are like really small, like dog sized balls. It was a weird discovery. Ever done a guy with dog sized balls?
The homeless woman that called me a "dirty looking cunt" the other day, was standing outside Starbucks today with a sign that said "Jesus loves you."
took shots off of a myriad of fake boobs last night. It was glorious.
I am convinced you could sleep through the apocalypse and only wake up because youre hungry & want Dominoes
I have only been here for a week and might contributed to a dumpster fire on accident.
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