I just got stood up by an 18 yr old. fmylife.
The verizon commercial has a magical pinata. Candy just keeps coming out. It must be a portal to a candy universe.
Hands down the best time I've ever had barfing.
I just accidentally stumbled into an AA meeting...I think its a sign
Quick question... Can I call you daddy? Or would that just really made the whole 8 year age gap a bigger deal...?
you texted me "dude im face"
it sounded so right at the time
I'll explain later but basically I was feeling dangerous, I'm dressed as Ann Romney and Ann Romney is a bad bitch.
Word of advice, don't put your jar if peanut butter in the microwave, blue fire comes out
We may have picked the wrong resort. Brenna and I have already been propositioned for swinging twice and we've only been here 3 hours
Got a text that the fed tax return dropped into my account just before getting on the first leg of my flights the Vegas. Fate? Viva Las Vegas!
So you get idea of what my night was like, I woke up this morning and the back of my head was orange
On the way home there was a guy passed out IN the road on Colfax with his pants around his ankles, completely bare assed. If he was dressed as a speed bump, he succeeded.
Take your time. I'm mowing the lawn. In the dark. Drunk.
You did things that should be illegal to a Twinkie and asked strangers to drive you home.
next time you go get food at three am and leave a rando here can you warn me??? Also i tazed him. but it was just my little one so i think he'll be fine. bring me some fries.
Randomize
