i'm drinking out of my 'black like my president' mug
He kept saying the best defense against a lion is to punch it in the throat.
I don't want to talk. I just want to motorboat those tits
Just walked into a random hotel for the free breakfast. How was your night?
I'm not about to serve this country to fuckin not have rum and cheezits for breakfast
Tonight, I'll be cleaning. And by cleaning, I mean drinking booze and spraying everything with Febreze.
There was a cop outside the house so we just put the alcohol in this watermelon
That's why we don't trade sex for Taco Bell. It's called the dollar menu.
Omg one side of my Labia is asleep. Has that ever happened to you?
Ran into a tinder match at the bar last night. We spotted each other and started making out without speaking any words to each other. Fuck yea technology!
Your uterus is safe from my father's misconstrued prophecies.
My next goal in this relationship is to teach my boyfriend that there are valid reasons to be fear of dolphins completely.
Mom is talking about dicks with her friends in the living room. I am 5 seconds away from scaling the bathroom window out of here.
i dont know how or why im in the gym right now, but theres a hot cop, a guy i hook up with, and his hot friend. this can only lead to every fantasy i ever had.
Accidentally mixed my gin with cold brew coffee instead of cranberry juice. It’s bad. But I’ll finish it. Never leave a fallen soldier.
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