I cant believe I just managed to do a drug deal across the country for you...
I went to the bathroom like 8 times and each time I looked in the mirror and tried saying "I am sober." I burst out laughing when I got to "so-" every time. If you can't convince yourself, you can't convince anyone else. Fuck it, I'm going upstairs and drinking more.
You make your fellow Jews happy.
You spilled spaghetti on the floor, and kept telling the noodles to "settle down" as you tried to clean it up
If I die I have 2 requests one a viking funeral prye and 2 I want you to take over my facebook and haunt the fuck out of everyone
Oh you're gonna love this story. I almost cut off a little girl's pony tail.
Call me when you get up. This hang-over is like dismantling a bomb: I need someone to talk me through it.
Guess who won a bet and gets to name it Optimus prime if it's a boy
Nevermind. Totally worth it.
his version of basketball was throwing hot sauce packets down my cleavage at taco bell at 2 am with his buddy.the cashier kept score
Drink for every country you've never heard of.
Fuuuuuuuuuck
SOMEONE has to puke in the potted plants at an Xmas party. As their boss I felt it should be me.
College: when you wake up drunk without pants and wearing a Cosby sweater
Basically she credited me and my dick pic for boosting the moral of all the Safeway workers
I just had a very enlightening conversation with my hat. we need more of whatever the fuck that was.
I sent him a tit pic with the caption, "Mt. Arie and Mt. Hola are ready for expedition." Too nerdy?
Me and my dad hot boxed a hotel bathroom... That's what I call father son bonding
Randomize
