My breakfast consisted of a slimfast and an adderal. My fridge is like an insecurity buffet.
Going to get tested monday. You're coming with. Bonding time, slut style.
bailing my boss out of jail is a great way to spend memorial day
You bring the bicep workout. I'll bring the unscented gentle products. We'll both bring our penises.
Its like after 6 beers, the clap doesn't scare me anymore.
Homeboy was juggling while taking bong rips. Of course he got laid.
Well I blew a guy I barely know in full view of a homeless camp. That's pretty tame for me.
I deleted his number so I had to go into my old voicemails which are saved through my gmail and search his name... Never underestimate the resourcefulness of a drunk girl on a mission for dick
He said I could liberate his beef and all I could think about was how I don't eat veal for political reasons.
he said he'd buy me TWO burritos if I took my shirt off
Hootey the Owl eats a mean pussy.
Um, OK. WTF?
The guy from the Halloween party. We finally hooked up. Went down in me for 45 mins. Came 4 times.
You know it was a weird night when you find curly fries in your purse the next morning...
You randomly sent me a black Santa Claus emoji at 2am. I think alcohol was involved.
You tell anyone I'm rocking out to Pitbull in an economy, base-model car, I'll kill you.
He fucked me in one of the back rooms at the club then gave me an altoid. I have mixed feelings about it still.
Randomize
