I think I'm going to be in trouble for sneaking out last night. My Dad saw me drive up this morning when he was leaving early for work.
What'd you say?
I told him I was sleep driving
I ran out of diet so I'm mixing captain with a juice box. Being a mom has finally paid off.
We argued about the championship during sex. Absolutely the manliest moment of my life.
Man, i was looking at the pictures i took last night in one i was on the Kentucky line fist pumping with a hobo..wth happened?
It got kind of awkward when her dad brought home a 20 something asian girl at 3am
btw he is cheating on one twin with the other. the main woman in his life has a mullet. I defiantly have either the coolest or weirdest uncle ever
We passed my parents while I was giving him road head...that awkward
dude girls our age are getting married and having babies and I still can't figure out how to defrost my hotpockets
Can you have a quarter life crisis another time? I'm trying to masterbate.
I have to tell him to stop eating me out so I'm not late for work; my life could be a lot worse.
Just looked at my bank statement. 9 out of 10 transactions on the first page were from 9 different bars. The 10th was for birth control pills at the pharmacy. I need to rethink my lifestyle.
I DEMAND FORESKIN
My ultimate hope is that people will hug me, smell me, and therefore think I'm classy.
I feel like my entire body is ashamed of me today
You're a god amongst men today
A guy in a chewbacca suit just came up to me and asked me to buy him weed.
Randomize
