you never know when you'll meet the man of your dreams and bang him in an elevator
i was trying to give him roadhead and my tits kept knocking his cheap shifter into neutral...was the first time my tits have ever cock blocked me
I just won 10 dollars from out chugging the bar tender and I found out that the baby aint mine in the last hour. I don't even care if l get laid tonight any more.
Blacked in riding a tandem bicycle with a stranger. We stopped for hot dogs.
Ikeep having to ask jim if I'm actually talking. I canmt feel my body...this is what Christmas is all about
I woke up to the sound of gentle rain, only to realize I was laying under a urine trough in the men's restroom. Fuck you, bourbon. Fuck you.
I only feel half bad for cheating on him because while we were fucking I was given great relationship advice and now I'm ready to work some things out.
My mom now keeps ice cubes on hand for my bong water. We may be able to work this relationship out.
Guys, Black Friday does not exist in the world of dealing. Stop texting me asking what my deals are.
Now I have the walk of shame to give the receptionist the bathroom key back, I've had it for 20 minutes. I should just smile and wink. She knows what went down.
If my penis could make facial expressions, it would constantly have a smile on.
I saw that you sent me a photo and the first thing out of my mouth was "I swear if it's another photo of a dick poking out of a bubble bath"
Good news: you're over the drunk crying life phase. Bad news: now you're handy and violent. You were groping me from behind in front of the guy you like, then you put me in a headlock and swept the leg.
I REALLY NEED TO STOP CELEBRATING THAT FUCKING HOLIDAY
I was trying not to blow up your phone, but I'm so horny I think I might die
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