Is that you in the white hat?
Fine suit yourself
Dude she looked like Jerry Garcia's knuckles
sometimes i just want to live alone. my roommate keeps looking at me weird like hes never seen a girl eat plain salt before
Who was more unwelcome: The two of us at the party last night, or Kimmy Gibler at the Tanner residence?
My cardio has turned into running out of the cold from bar to bar.
A stranger just came up to me and asked why I hadn't texted him, and if he was just a one night stand. I live for these moments.
It is no longer St. Patrick's Day. I should NOT still have green boobs!
The name of tonight's festivities is hereby decreed to be the "Honey Boo Boo Hootenanny".
You were spooning an empty magnum of white wine in the middle of the bed so I slept on the couch
Well at least there's no more confusion about your place in my life. Wine > pizza > your dick > the rest of you.
Love you...
I just swallowed confetti and motor-boated some guys beard...#happy2015
On the bright side, only one more day until we aren't sober anymore.
Don't put me in that position. I am not qualified to be the responsible adult here.
I don't know what that means. Any of it. BUT I will be at your house at 10:20 and you better be ready to get high as balls.
My toothbrush tastes like captain morgan
I'm jealous
It's less than a hour into 2020 and I already want to punch some people in the face
Randomize
