this homeless guy just told me to make a wish on his magic plastic spoon but said to be careful what i wish for...
my mom just found my flavored lube in the basement. she gave me a lecture about how "giving head is degrading" omg i feel sooooo bad for my dad
And to think..we used to do everything sober...
she's walking down the hall in a thong and one flip flop and one ugg
We forgot to go back and get the brick YOU WANTED TO BRING INTO THE BAR?
What's life without a lamp shade you wore home?
She asked if I could convince him so shave that shit off his face so he'll have a snowball's chance in hell of getting laid.
I'm sports announcer narrating myself making a sandwich. Your weed wins.
I still have beer shits from last weekend. Dying from dysentary is a real threat at this point.
He asked me not to hook up with anyone else because it would hurt his feelings.. while his arm was around his pregnant girlfriend.
They're frat boys at heart and have sickly, dusty, rotting souls.
eh, I feel I'm heading for a breakdown and I need to get it out of the way before I start writing that lab report.
Is Oprah even human
I knew deleting his texts was a bad idea and I was right. I just used the last time we talked to help me figure out when I had my last period
Coffee and girl scout cookies. Breakfast of champions.
Get fucked.
Randomize
