I wish my cat could text because i would tell him that everything will be ok. and i wish he could send them back..but him have no thumbs. him no know what he would text with.
She's got an ass you could write the declaration of independence on in one line. Takes up three bar stools.
It was confusing and full of hummus
My favorite part was when he stopped, looked up in the middle of performing oral sex and asked, "you did know it was Arbor Day, right?"
cell reception changed and I can no longer text you from the toilet... that means I'll be texting you less often, just fyi
my six pack is really starting to show since I started fucking everything that moves
I love you. I'm too high for this. Find a way. Make it happen. Live strong.
i saw the poster for your lost tequila... what a shame
Dude I woke up in her bed wearing a top hat and bunny slippers and noticed one of us had pissed in bed. The last thing I wanted to ask for was a ride home
Trying to do the walk of shame over here WHY are there a hundred ppl on the el?! Thank god I pulled a summit and wore casual clothes I even stopped by the farmers market and bought some squash
Tried to put an eye patch on while hooking up with a girl. She was not amused.
Do you sleep with the same women I've already slept with on purpose?
We knew it was an interesting night when we found my thong wrapped around a chocolate chip muffin in the fridge.
I'm seriously considering selling my books back early. I don't use them anyways and I could really use the beer money..
I'm just bringing him "breakfast," and breakfast may lead to lunch and dinner, but that doesn't mean I want the mealplan.
Randomize
