My grandpa is talking about laundry and he asked if i could run a "small hot load." Wow. I had to leave the room.
it was like his penis was on wheels.
my mouth smells like i just ate out a crab.
I threw up into my coffee this morning.
he calls his bong barack obonga, commander in kief. i found where i belong.
What hospital were we in last night? Insurance needs to know
I just told you I can't. My fingers are melting. I have discovered the high.
New rule during sex: if it causes you to take your rings off, don't do it.
Currently in the bathroom stall of a gay bar in new haven giving myself an anti throw up pep talk
I just put on eyeliner and a diff shirt in case the pizza guy is cute. This is what my dating life has come to
I didnt want you guys to know I needed to puke, so I just nonchalantly did in my solo cup and threw it out the window
It's fucking New Year's. I can be soberish in 2013 after tonight. It's like the 30 years of grey area between Jesus' birth and death.
Last night I dreamed that I got eaten out by Lego Harry Potter.
Oh my god I found my bf's erotica
OH MY GOD HE WROTE THIS EROTICA.
OH MY GOD THIS IS GOOD EROTICA.
I'm sitting on the toilet eating a taco... I feel like a female Elvis.
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