wow, i just saw a girl period all over the floor. get my shoes
I was actually kinda bummed my STD test came back negative.
That would have been proof he'd slept with the stripper. Lame.
it's all just a bunch of faces and i remember what the floor looked like.
i pretended i was deaf and got a girl to come home with me
Do you remember some guy walking around the club saying "boner patrol" and smacking people in the dick?
Yeah, that was you
The sad thing is; I'm getting used to walking around feeling like I could hurl at any minute.
On the plus side, I got cel phone video of a major fox news host doing coke.
The shit I just took was four, very distinct colors. Jager night was a success
How do you tell an ex that banging less hot chicks than me is highly insulting? I almost want to try and get him laid with a pretty girl just to save some face for dating him so long.
Dear Jesus. Send me strength to not suck cock this morning.
This guy on tinder just told me that he wanted to tie me up and asked me what I thought. I told him I wanted tacos
He may be 6' 6" but I'm 180 lbs of pure rage and determination
Ur here to start shit and I'm here to light that shit on fire
things i am: 1) still drunk 2) still wearing my leopard onesie 3) still gonna make my 9am lecture despite the odds CAN I GET A HIGH FIVE
ok first of all what the fuck
Randomize
