I love my grandma, but if I have to sit and watch one more show on Bravo, I'm gonna burn her fuckin house to the ground
I'm so hungover even the car commercials make me nauseas
I am a mess. Weirdest thing: I woke up with a hammer under my pillow. No idea why.
I got an 8 ball and a free entrance pass to the strip club, if i dont get laid tonight I never will.
It's taken me 5 years and 2 beers to finally realize that maybe he isn't the dude for me. Also, that picking your major should be done sober, lest you find your self an art major.
Jim came in did 3 body shots of her she said "I like your tongue" and they left. I swear to god its deja vu he's done it before
let's just say if he has a penis and he hypothetically needs to put it somewhere... i would take care of that for him.
You found me in the back room alone eating someone else's whole birthday cake with my hands then asked me if you could join.
My roommate took my designated hickey removing spoon out of the freezer.
Boob shaped ice luge is ordered for my bday. Boom
I can't even drink.
The liquor comes out the nipples. Out. The. Nipples.
Mate, you pissed in my bed. Then told me to "Just keep swimming"
This is not 2004 anymore. It's not acceptable to get fingered while watching 'Ferngully' in a basement full of your friends.
My one night stand from last night is currently mowing my lawn for me.
Sorry that I got drunk and refused to let you buy me pizza. I'm a monster and I understand if you hate me forever
We're doing a team debriefing of Saturday night in group text right now. As 75% of the female presence at that party we saw some shit.
Randomize
