who do i root for if I want Christiano Ronaldo to win the world cup on a team by himself and then bang chicks on the pitch?
Spilled red wine all over my bed. This has to be the fiftieth time ive refused to fall asleep without a drink in my hand
i looked at my phone and realized all i had said to her the entire night was misspelled variations of "NOTHING IS THE SAME" over and over. she eventually stopped replying.
All together there was 318 cigarette butts in the pool... And my microwave.
Sunrise bitch. You owe me waffles
Real reason I can't work: it's Tuesday. I get stoned and watch buck Rodgers in Tuesday.
Jesus Christ you're perfect.
I think sneezing out coked up boogers onto your professor disqualifies you from the "I was sick" excuse
smoked some of that legal weed last night, felt like God himself legit bent me over his knee and spanked my ass. Never again..never.
You wanna know how bad I feel? I couldn't get out of bed to get the remote, so I just downloaded the comcast app on my phone so I could change the channels
Eric was just sitting there open-mouthed swallowing sake from that squirt bottle for so long the lady across from us leaned over to her kid and told him not to end up like "the big alcoholic one"
I've found my soulmate with the cardboard Dos Equis man.
my vag sweat smells like doritos
so now that we're not dating you have to stop sending shit like this to me okay?
I'm giving random strangers at the bar sips of my fishbowl, then telling them I have Ebola. It's a fun night.
My greatest achievement in life thus far is being the go to friend when you have questions about butt plugs.
He sends me pictures of his dogs and I send him my tits, it's a win win situation
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