it's like i warped into dreamland and the only thing that makes sense is my solo cup
I'm exhausted and I have velveeta stuck in my teeth
Did you eat out Derrek's girlfriend again?
Is there a zoo near here? I need to see some penguins like right now..
I am not bailing you of of jail
shattered his nose in 8 pieces. Blaming it on the dog. I feel more guilty about ruining the dog's good name than I do about ruining his nose.
that freshman chick we always see on the weekends walked into art class wearing a jaegermeister shirt and holding a monster, which she proceeded to shotgun with a pair of scissors. It sickens me to know I will never achieve her level
You need to stop having girl talk with the guys I'm sleeping with.
She hash-tagged my name. I think it's safe to say that she remembers our hookup.
Come in your red robin gear. If you smell like French fries we can make love.
Right now he's sitting in the chair pointing to me to go away. He's trying to have quiet time with his penis.
And my coffee table looks like something out of Scarface
I'll have a whole suitcase of emergency bacon with me obviously
Then his buddy called and said "my car broke down, I need a ride. If I'm not home by midnight they'll extend my house arrest." And I knew it was time to leave.
She caught me by google maps... Lets just say it wasnt her car in front of the house.
Ok, you agree to the terms? We can have sex, but this doesn't mean we're back together...it just means we're working on things. Got it? Sign here.
I’m literally naked drinking a beer and I gotta leave in 6 minutes for work lol
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