You're the end to all my bad dreams.
Did you have that reoccuring dream about me banging your mom again?
who were those guys at the table sniffing dryer sheets?
I can't figure out how to get this beer bong in my carry on without airport security questioning me as it goes through the x-ray.
I just spent 30 minutes cleaning out my coleman grill. Did you really have to have grilled yogurt?
If you listen closely you can hear the sound of inbreeding and shame.
I don't judge her for getting booty calls at 2 in the morning, so she can't judge me for staying in friday nights and putting spray cheese on pringles.
Attempted to dodge my boyfriends cum last night and ended up falling off the bed and getting the worlds most painful charlie horse. fuck my life.
That sounds promising. I'm twerking to human nature.
Is 36 too old to fuck a college student? THIS IS BOTH IMPORTANT AND TIME SENSITIVE
She is dumping me if she doesn't get a ring by Valentines. So one more month of free sex and it will be back to the right hand.
Jk probs not coming. Tequila
Watching the series finale of Friends and crying in my Thai food. I don't like hangover Jared.
Is it sacrilegious to take tequila shots on Saint Patrick's day?
Holy fuck, my entire boob is bruised! Lierally my boob is just one big bruise.
The shitshow that was last night is the gift that just keeps on giving
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