so i just realized i am an alcoholic. I was making some tomato soup because im still sick, and put vodka in it. sad huh? lets go out!
I think I'm going to wait until after Halloween to call off the wedding. No need to ruin my favorite holiday.
This dude is being a total douche
Just because it's Christmas Eve does not mean the liquor store has to give you a free bottle of peppermint schnapps
Your job is getting in the way of our day drinking. Shots on the hour are not as cool alone.
Yikes. I usually have a 24-hour waiting period between sex partners. You know, like for a handgun.
I have stripper ass cheeks all over my glasses
No, no... it's pale and surrounded by awkward, curly, red hair. It's the Ronald McDonald of penises.
Fuck these runners passing me on campus as I'm waking to dinner. With my huggie. With flavored vodka and rum. Aka yum
I tried to break it off with the married one. He offered to pay off my car.
The side bitch struggle is real.
Well my normal tinder strategy of "Will I have sex with her when I'm sober" has been paying off
I can't get the smell of burned penis out of the house
That was my first party and they were so suprised that this little freshman girl was a FUCKING BEER PONG QUEEN.
i keep smelling vagina and donuts, which pretty much sumarises this morning. happy birthday.
Trouble in the neighborhood - turns out my brother's summer lawn care gig also entailed banging three different MILFs and they just all found out about each other
Gotta pay for college somehow...
hey i'm sure you are probably asleep bc you suck and think sleep is necessary to live or something?
Randomize
