a very overweight girl in the ER just said she trippped over the invisible wii jump rope and fell
Donna and I are betting on whether or not you are going to cheat on your boyfriend tonight....I said you wouldnt do it.
You might as well just give her the money now.
): 100 percent naked, unless you count a tiara as clothing.
at what point did putting a bag of doritos in the freezer seem like a really good idea?
We won 11 games of beer pong, and then I spent a half hour trying to get into the top bunk. Then i realized it was a cabinet in the bathroom
For dinner, I'm having saltines, canned whipped cream, and beer. Are we sure I'm responsible enough for home ownership?
She took all the bottles out of the shower caddy and replaced them with booze. I just made a shower Manhatten. Imma marry this one.
Walked into the bathroom and saw a Minion eating out Harley Quinn so this Halloween will be hard to top.
it'll be like the notebook except for with way more of my penis
Do you know how close I got to throwing him over the edge of the canyon?
Congrats you've received dick pics from an Olympic silver medalist
he made that chewbacca noise when he came. like father like son i guess.
When we found you, you were half crying/half singing Taylor swift songs at 2am in the bathroom, and occasionally puking. I think I get "friend of the year" award just for putting up with your drunk ass all night.
Hypothetically speaking...if I was arrested in Wisconsin, say Kenosha county, would you post my bail all the way from Oregon? If yes, will you also accept my collect call in t-minus 13 hours?
Yeah, sometimes it takes a while to realize, wow you kind of suck and not in the fun way
Randomize
