Are you missing anything? I found a wedding ring in my bed this morning.....
Why do you proceed to call me "Queen La Queefah?"
I made friends with a raccoon. I pet it. Like I was Pocahontas.
Just looked in the mirror and i look like ive been gang banged. Im so proud of my boyfriend it almost hurts
She went home with him because he works at Jimmy John's and his car "smelled like meat"
Standing on the street at 6am in Hong Kong drinking beer. Watching all the hookers do the walk of shame from our hotel. How did I get here? Maybe all my bad choices in my life were really good ones?
Just realized I lost my social security card...maybe someone else will do something with my life
I feel like my nipples were chewed on by alligators.
If a baby can come out of it, so can four raquetballs.
Now I'm having a post-sex brownie. Is this the life? I think it might be
My mom just told me I look like darth vader. how's your night?
That sad moment when the drawer I used to keep condoms in now has poptarts in it..
Not bad. Ran into Carlo. He shared a story about a sailor who got gonorrhea in his eye. It made me feel better about myself.
Idk if my headache is from the alcohol, the pot brownies, or being dragged down 8 flights of stairs by my ankles because i passed out in the 12th floor girls bathroom by you. Probably a combo of all three.
She swallowed the car key because she thought we were really going to make her drive.
Randomize
