i just woke up with two martini umbrellas taped to my nipples... idk how they got there
girl is pretty boring. i'm gonna see if she'll let me finger her.
It's sad that my net worth at the moment is 4 beers
I figured out plans for New Year's and by figuring out I mean I've got a sugar bowl of cocaine. Start at 10?
#1- I went to button my shirt only to find they were all mising. #2- I'm so fu@king sore I feel like I was sweating to the oldies all night. #3- this pounding headache I have, I blame solely on Jennifer. Everyone sounds like Billy Mays when they talk. I remember nothing from last night, I'm concerned.
if any part of your body has ever entered my vagina you are fucking obligated to speak to me if i so desire
It's a "party harder or raise your standards" kind if night.
I found my keys in the basement freezer. Drunk me is a sneaky little bastard.
I asked him for something to clean up with after sex and he handed me a sham wow. A SHAM WOW
Once you share a nude experience with someone and three Norwegian guys, you're bound for life.
The sex was so boring I heard the people having sex next door and I wanted to stop just to listen
The guys who program Autocorrect have never seen a vagina in person
Why do pants feel so unnatural once you enter your own house
Do you remember trying to sleep under the pool table while wearing a reflective vest?
Nope.
You kept saying you had to be safe.
I took advantage of the fact that my mentee had to go to the bathroom to throw up in the other stall. I'm going to hell for being hungover at an elementary school.
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