my secret santa just gave me a pregency test
Oh and apparently TSA has to open your present from my family or the terrorists win
I just hit a new low..poured my beer in an empty coke can so I could drink in walmart.
Need toilet paper. Napkins suck. Slowly running out of those two and the bleeding hasn't stopped. Your cat is next
We are having a competition to see who can masterbate in the wierdest place, right now hes winning since he masterbated on his Jr. High school bus.
I think my cats understand what porn is. And it's all my fault.
No our divorce decree will not have a blow job clause. Unless my alimony is greatly increased your bj's have been reduced to fantasy status.....
mind if i send you a dick pic? so you can see what she wasn't doing right?
There was an Altoids can full of urine in the bathroom. I do not want to know what was going on in there.
Is the booze for tonight or the apocalypse?
Both. Pregaming the zombie party and hurricane sustenance.
Awareness is good for change and all, but ignorance is bliss. I like bliss.
He doesn't want a full on relationship, he provides me with all the weed I can handle and gives me multiple mind blowing orgasms. He's my soul mate.
Mashed potatoes are always the fuckin answer ok.
I'm disease and pregnancy free. This is an Easter for the books!
I haven't been single on my birthday for 7 years. If you don't get me laid tonight, your best friend/wing woman status will be revoked.
Randomize
