You should get sea herpes
I mean sea horses
I wish I had my own personal Asian lady that lived under my bed so that she could wax my eyebrows and give me a pedicure whenever I wanted.
i just remembered last night waiting for you to pick me up wearing my bra on my head to protect me from the rain
it's ok. you also told me I can feel free to vomit on your blow dryer sometime.
Found a dirty envelope on my seat w ur name and $122.50 written on the front. Nothing inside but what looks like dirty pine needles
Dude she only counts as your gf if you're home. We both signed the fair game contract when we became roommate. So are you really going to be mad or come eat a waffle with us?
I've been here for three hours and I am already feeling sorry for whatever offspring i will indefinitely produce in this place.
I pray for you bro.
That's the only way to get approved without a guarantor.
WHAT DOES THAT MEAN WHAT FUCKING LANGUAGE ARE YOU SPEAKING
you were caressing the jar of pickles then you looked down and whispered to them "I want you inside me"
All I found in my purse this morning was 160 cigarettes and a fistful of confetti.
Every FB picture she has looks like it's from the POV of the guy she's blowing
Best part about losing weight and not fitting into your pants any longer? They come off quick for chipotle emergencies.
Was it you I was with where I saw a guy open a beer with his butt?
The fact that I can now puke rainbows on snapchat makes my life that much better
Last night I was the DD and was trying to drop off some chick I didn't know at her place. The closest thing to an address I got was "where the goldfish go."
Randomize
