I just woke up in my closet, wearing a pink cowboy hat and a pink thong...
I want my thong back.
I hate you tequila.
he actually proposed, and i threw up on him...i guess 5 glasses of wine was a bad idea.
We walked in and found his glass coffee table broken and you in the bathroom throwing up saying "What a bad first impression."
Just woke up next to our cab driver from last night. Please tell me this isn't happening.
THEY'RE. IN. YOUR. BED. THEY RANDOMLY SHOW UP. AND GET IN YOUR BED.
His penis has been a bonding mechanism beyond comparison.
Well, my family didn't see me in my drunken super slut state at Summerfest, so there must be a God.
A guy in a gorilla mask got blown on the lawn. And then the night got weird.
Do you think you can chase a shot with chicken soup?
STOP SENDING ME NAKED PICTURES WHEN I'M TRYING TO TEACH. MONDAY TUESDAY 1-3 IS A DICK AND ARSE FREE ZONE
i had a flashback to you roaring like a dying tiger and then throwing your wallet (maybe?) at the cat in the living room and saying "you're the only adult that lives here take all my money"
Well, I sent nudes with an Elmo t shirt on the floor... so there's that.
You were trying to be sexy by spraying your contact solution on your chest and telling me to lick it off
I just saw a raccoon get launched out of a tree by another raccoon. They have turf wars...
she was all excited about us being eskimo sisters and then i was just like "alyssa i've literally been inside of you" and she got even more excited
Randomize
