The only good thing about ohio is that i can get 2 half gallons of soco for 40 bucks
his pick up line was "wanna get a pizza and fuck?"
did it work
that's not the point...
We're exchanging pot brownie recipes in my substance abuse class. This is going to be an awesome 7 weeks.
On your way out, lock the front door. And by lock the front door, I mean find the door handle, reattach it, and then lock it.
My grandma had to be escorted out by police.
Can we please stop calling your vagina the cave of wonders?
I should show up to the gym drunk more often. I felt like i really motivated all the fat people.
U owe me five dollars for that paper towel you bet i wouldnt eat last night
You're cordially invited to the love nest for alcoholic and aquatic adventures. Also known as an all expense paid trip to my pool, alcohol, and vagina.
He had seven beers and tap-danced on the table like a pro. HOW DOES HE DO IT
I accidentally called my professor daddy...and I think he liked it. Help, I'm scared.
it's like that moment that you're driving and realize you're lost except instead of driving i'm just sitting here in my living room drunk, eating a plate of sausages, drinking red wine and just thinking "i'm going to be 28 this year. i know people who are married, with beautiful and well behaved children. where was the wrong turn?"
let’s face it, me joining a co-ed soccer league is like, 33% motivated by my crotch seeking a healthy outlet
How's moving going?
Uh, we're on the way to the store to buy more booze
True life: I got so drunk that i took a shower with my clothes on at 4 am...
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