This is the worst date ever. Pls kill me. No, wait, scratch that, stick to the original plan of killing Paris Hilton, I'll live though this
Memory from last night that just came back: me forcibly jacking him off while he yelled I DONT LIKE HANDJOBS I DONT LIKE HANDJOBS
why do guys feel they can ask questions when im blowing them? you'd think they'd know my answer will always be "mmhmhmhmmm"
Exactly. Because my vagina can't be consoled with words. It requires a thicker form of communication
My grandmother cheats at beer pong and has been rubbing her tainted victory in my face for an hour now.
I can pinpoint my loss of innocence as the moment I started masturbating with my teddy bears
I'll just tell your children you were the queen of drunk town and you had a giant purple monkey named bongo
She looked up at the menu and yelled this is my absolute favorite literacy
i made up my own drinking game and i took a secret shot every time someone asked me about school or my future
Stop saying "make it happen". I'm not gonna say "hey, you should get naked with your sister and roll around together while I penetrate you both"
Yes. Do not say that. That will not make it happen.
Still. Make it happen
Dude too much vodka. I think I just puked up my heart
That's what you get for taking that guy home. The god of sluttiness is frowning upon you.
I'M SO LONELY THAT I TEXTED THE FRESHMAN
I dont think you understand. A NOODLE FELL OUT OF MY VAGINA! I DEMAND TO KNOW WHAT YOU DID TO ME LAST NIGHT!
You went into my bathroom put on my bathrobe.. Said excuse me then went in my front yard and started yelling who ate my whopper..
Last night was fun. Sorry I slipped out before you woke up
Also, your parents get up REALLY early. Please thank them for the bagel and travel mug of coffee. Happy Thanksgiving!
Randomize
