My dad just sent me a text telling me to "say hi to all the luscious bitches" at the gay bar. Guess this explains my childhood
It's really awkward to greet the pastor when I know I've licked chocolate syrup off his daughter's chest.
my little brother got his license today.. too early to ask him to DD?
I tried douching with a turkey baster. Not the brightest idea.
Taking shots out of pine wood derby trophiesssssss. best idea ever.
Woke up to pictures of me cooking wings with a blow torch.
It's like eating cereal and milk but instead of cereal it's gummy bears and instead of milk it's vodka.
Just ordered an appetizer sampler to distract the fat chicks so we can escape
I projectile vomited in his sisters room where the toiled would have been if it were the bathroom.
Pretty sure that molly fried my sinus infection away; i regret nothing
Just had an hour long talk with a woman, turns out she's the mom of the guy i lost my virginity to. Even better his dog was also present.. Meeting the family at its best?
He said I act like a cross between a kindergartener and a high 70 year old man. Which is inacurate because it fails to account for the disco obsession.
I just ate 6 cheeseburgers with some homeless guy. Pretty epic.
Dude, I just hit your nipple with a bottle of lube while you were wearing a shirt, 10 feet away without my glasses and I only have "not bad" aim?
it's like the easy bake oven version of plastic surgery
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