there are definitely too many half naked pictures of me out there for me to ever be famous.
I just realized that i have never seen about 30 percent of my friends sober before
Don't bite the hand that gives you multiple orgasms
I just saw on the news, this guy tried to smuggle coke in a bouquet of roses... and to think I used to hate valentines day.
He puked, did more shots, and then pissed in a drawer. We thought it was bad enough and all of a sudden...boom-clothes come off and he passes out with slippers and a styrofoam hat on and a guitar hero guitar in hand pretending he was slash.
i saw the poster for your lost tequila... what a shame
When a guy wants to eat something off you and then comes back with microwaved strudel and custard, back the fuck out. I have apple-chunk burns on my tits.
I was just doing the math on how much beer we need for the houseboat. in doing so, I came to the conclusion that we need to open a beer distributor business.
I cunt my lip shaving. That's not a typo, it's a placement clue
When do you want to get tanked and forget our entire college education?
GOOD MORNING. Have you seen the Avenger vibrators?
What could go wrong? i could have a mental breakdown with a bottle of champagne hand cuffed to a frat bro
He just showed up at my house with a giant box of Trojans and a 6-pack of Yoohoo "for a special treat afterwards". I'm in love.
You know its an epic night when omar the garbage man gives you a ride home at 6 in the morning.
Nows a good time to tell him. Just be like "yeah, I used to bang her too and it didn't work out for us either". He'll understand.
Randomize
