Yeah we had sex for the first time last night and all the text he sent me afterwards said was “heh”
I'm either going to be a Playboy Playmate or take over the world. Either way the world wins.
Welcome to my life. currently drinking beer through two straws. easier/faster that way.
The stripper told me she had been working there for eight years, then got mad when I asked if she was trying to make it into mangment. Awkwardest lap dance
i remember introducing him to all my posters and making him be extra nice to frank sinatra and bob dylan before he fucked me
Can we go to Home Depot next week? Drunk Kim broke my toilet with a hammer.
U can find me on my couch hungover eatin tuna evaluating my life
Hes trying to fuck me on a bear rug. Not saying no.
I have learned that if you don't want to hook up with the guy who walked you home, food is great compensation.
somehow this went from sexting to explaining my eating disorder.
I've had to do a couple req orders today and I would like to submit to you an order form to requisition DAT ASS
Vodka Vensday. With a Russian accent... It counts.
Do normal couples celebrate occasions naked with Chicken McNuggets and BBQ sauce?
Idk if my headache is from the alcohol, the pot brownies, or being dragged down 8 flights of stairs by my ankles because i passed out in the 12th floor girls bathroom by you. Probably a combo of all three.
You took the glass microwave plate and said it was the closest thing to a frisbee, let me know how that works out for you
Randomize