2 bagels in my tummy and my herpes on my mind
Peed on my phone. Dried it out in oven. Technology is both a plus and a minus.
God, i just love slightly insecure guys with hearts of gold and giant penises.
You should've come out last night, I need someone to explain why the bartender tried to strangle me...
I don't think my prof knows we've noticed her No Bra Fridays.
Can you pick me up a bottle of make-an-ass-of-myself tonight?
Do you want cuervo gold or silver?
She woke me up with an urgent call telling me she was rolling on Mollie and swimming in the ocean. I mean that's just great. If she drowns, I'll feel responsible.
i introduced myself to everyone by my new name, thundergooch. i threatened the neighbors with a hammer when they used my real name. needless to say, sailor jerry was not kind to me.
My bar tender texts me around 5ish and ask what I feel like, so it's ready for me when I get home. All star service.
Dude. You are the LAST person that should live above a bar.
We stopped mid-sex and both shotgunned a beer then got back to it. Is this what love feels like?
Their children would look like the Michelin man and smell like chef Boyardee
As much as I trust your struggle imma deal with being Eskimo brothers with my own sister before I get to that
I haven't had an orgasm since 2014. So you cam see why I'm having a bad year.
Her mom came in and passed out drunk on the floor next to us while she was riding me, "it's all good, she does this all the time" is what she said
Edible... I FEEL CLOSER TO THE UNIVERSE AND I DEF TRAVELED IN TIME. I THINK I CAN READ MINDS NOW.
Randomize
