why wash my dick in the morning if you're not there to suck it?
I'm gonna put my relationship status as "widowed" to see if it helps me get some poon.
blah blah blah they called me an alcoholic because I threw my beer at a Jesus freak. it was for the best
Just in case you were wondering I sent you a text at 4:37 in the morning because I woke up on the side of the highway at that time
PS August 29 of last year was when you ran over my foot. Facebook just reminded me.
stop calling me dude. finger blasting me officially kills you being able to call me dude.
Hey it happens. Think of it this way- you didn't wake up in jail, your face wasn't inexplicably busted and you still have all your teeth. In this group of friends, you're on top!
Someone with the Instagram name "hymenbreaker" just liked a photo of me and my grandma. I feel ashamed.
Happiness is having a 12 hour day thinking that there are only 2 beers in the fridge when you get home, but then finding 8. Fuck you Monday, this week I won.
We don't know where he is but he left his pants and what appears to be a tooth here so he's gotta come back sometime
So it was all good until she started grabbing my beard and telling me to "roar little lion"
i now understand why vodka
a guy just skateboarded past my window in a bunny suit while chased by a dog walker
Is it bad I have to get shitty ass drunk on a Monday night because I can't adult?
He said he’s shouting let’s get this bread the first time we have sex...
He’s very straightforward
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