So, I woke up to an empty bottle of scotch and a dead car. The last thing I remember are the strippers being mad at me. Awesome night.
Feels good to be wearing underwear again though...
no, i dont want the owner to like me bc i dedazzled my vagina
I am more sore today than I was after my car wreck. Take it as a compliment that you bang harder than a semi-truck.
the party was called freshmen disorientation. i was just following the theme
mom came into my room and asked to borrow some condoms. We have gotten to the point where it's not awkward anymore.
We fucked in your water heater closet. Told you we'd try everywhere.
I am definitely the only sober one on this train. And the only one not wearing a business suit. Wow, Monday Korea.
you regret 100% of the tequila shots you do take. thats what gretzky meant to say
I just sent Brandon a snapchat where I wasn't wearing a shirt but had a rooster drawn on my boobs that said "cock block" and laughed for 10 minutes I have problems don't judge me
I need to have sex. It's becoming like a matter of public safety.
your life is not complete until you watch a gaggle of murderous clowns dance to gangnam style.
also, what is the correct term for a shit ton of clowns?
I have a strong contender for the new number 1 position for fwb. He met me at the door with pizza and a shot of patron
Well. At least he's a gentleman. A gentleman satanist.
You carved your initals into all my vitamins and said "now a small part of me will be in you every morning" before you fell asleep with my thong on your head.
Sorry you saw my balls. Pregame includes a lot of shaving.
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